Before, there are times that I would mistakenly recognize that I was in love with someone. I would be 'Kilig' whenever we're together, even though we're just friends. I'd be sad if he's sad or whenever he's not around and other things whenever you feel that you like someone. But later on, I would realize that it was just a great great crush or an infatuation. It wasn't love. I didn't even know what consists love or what love truly is.
I've grown, I think. I became a rational being. Too rational, that I don''t recognize or seek for my heart's voice. I over think things, all the time. All the time. I stop myself sometimes and just let things go. I'm supposed to follow my #2 motto: Que Sera Sera(If not familiar, google it. hehe). But when a male species(LOL), I'll change that. If a guy that I don't know much, tends to be friendly or overly friendly to me(not being assuming), my instinct is that, I'll put all my guards up, that instant. And the outcome would be like, I'll be super awkward and would not be able to speak properly. I'll be answering questions in one line, a word, or even just a chuckle. Then after that awkward situation, I would realize how stupid I was and now the guy might think that I'm a mean or rude and maybe would think that I don't like him. And this kind of stupidity would hunt me for a week, or more, or until I'm assured that he doesn't think of me that way. I don't know. UGH.
My friends said that they would throw me a party if I would finally have a boyfriend. I don't think that'd be soon. I don't think that I'm ready. I am a very independent person. And I don't want another person would monitor my moves or would somehow limit my freedom. I don't want to depend on someone that would have the possibility to be leaving me in the future. I don't know what made me think this way, but it's just how I am today. I'm a fan of relationships and commitment. For now, the important things for me are my relationship with God, family and my studies, my friends too. And I don't think it'll just change that easily until I see, feel and experience personally, this guy, this one guy, that would change my views about real love, that would make me believe about falling in love, and that a lifetime commitment is real and possible, and I would be much willing to put share my self with and not fear that I'll be betrayed because I'll be assured that he'd never judge and accept me with all my weirdness, and that we could be each other's dream and we would dream together............ and that, he would make me feel fearless....
kissa 24~
